With the coming of a New Year, prognosticator’s predictions about what is upcoming are about as rampant as a Robert Pattinson and Kristen Stewart rumor. So I thought I’d take a look in my crystal ball and make a few predictions for what we will inevitably hear from the celebrity gossip machine about them sometime within the next three months. That’s right, ninety days. My crystal ball is particularly clear today.
And although I can’t say with clarity what particular rag (Hollywood Life, In Style Magazine, Us Magazine, People Magazine, The Enquirer, Gossip Cop, The Mirror, etc, etc, etc) will break the offending story, you can be sure of three things: 1). whomever breaks the story will do so with unnamed, un-identified sources, 2.) the rest of the celebrity gossip machine will undoubtedly re-report the story no matter how ridiculous and obnoxious it is, and 3). there will be millions of sheep out there that will immediately believe it and go bah bah with the rest of the flock. So what stories do I predict will occur within the next 90 days?
I will give you a big clue. Robert Pattinson has gone to Australia to film Rover. Why is that such a big clue? Because every time Rob and Kristen are apart, some tabloid is going to take advantage of that fact to generate some b.s.
Story #1: It will be some version of how Kristen and Rubert Sanders have hooked up in Rob’s absence and how Kristen is continuing her cheating ways. Perhaps in a car, maybe at a “romantic” overlook, or perhaps at her house. The story will undoubtedly include old pictures of Rupert and Kristen, but will unlikely include new ones, as they would certainly be much more scrutinized this time than the last time. And in spite of the lack of evidence to support the story, it will unleash a fresh wave of Kristen bashing and hatred in the blogsphere. And note, this fairytale is already actually in progress.
Story #2. It will some version of Rob is out (probably at some waterhole) with another mystery woman (probably a blond)(probably has big tits) and with whom he is having a (probably a romantic) wonderful evening. There may or may not be equivocal photos to go along with the story. And again despite the lack of evidence to support it, it will unleash a fresh wave of Kristen bashing and hatred and assertions that she deserves it and how great it is that Rob has moved on to a new love.
Story #3 This will be some version of how Kristen has stepped out on Rob with someone other than Rupert Sanders. That person will be male (probably over ten, or between 40 and 70 since she has a known penchant for older men [editor’s note: please note the heavy sarcasm here]) probably an actor or other celebrity (possibly Taylor Lautner, James Franko, or other some other Hollywood hunk) and who may likely be involved with one of Kristen’s projects in some way, shape, or form. Again, despite the lack of supporting evidence, the blogsphere will once again erupt in “once a cheater, always a cheater chanting”, Kristen bashing and hatred, and generalized chest thumping. Pay particular attention to whomever is cast as Kristen’s love interest in In Focus.
Story #4 This one will be some version of how Rob has hooked up with some female member of the cast or crew of Rover. Or, because of the dearth of females roles in the cast, maybe they’ll just drag in an Australian actress (like Emily de Ravin, Emily Browning, Teresa Palmer, or Mia Wasikowaka even if they all happen to be in the United States). Despite a lack of evidence supporting the story, the blogsphere will once erupt into “Rob is free at last” jubilation, Kristen is not good enough for him bashing, and related nonsense, blah, blah, blah.
Story #5 This one is easy. Kristen will undoubtedly go to Australia sometime during Rob’s shoot there for Rover although evidence of her visit will be minimal but obvious. The blogsphere will again erupt into an endless debate about whether she went there because: 1). she was once again pregnant, 2). they had once again reconciled or broke up, 3). they both wanted to go house hunting because they love it there in Australia and have an uncontrollable desire to buy houses, 4). its all for PR, 5). she was was reconnecting with her Australian roots, and/or 6.) Rob was missing her arm pits. Despite a +10,000 mile +twenty hours flight to get there many will reject the notion that she loves him and just wanted to spend some time with him.
I’m sure there will be many more, but this is what my crystal ball is showing me.
Just to help you keep track here’s a fast check list, check them off as they come in:
- Rupert/Kristen hookup ___
- Rob/Mystery Blond ___
- Kristen hookup with Someone Else ___
- Rob hookup with Rover cast or crew mate or fill in the blank hot Australian chick ___
- Kristen Visit to Australia ___
Bonus question: How many of those 90 days will it take to hear some version of all of these stories? I predict no more than 45 days. How about you? We’ll compare notes by Kristen’s birthday.
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