Wow. The bull is flying fast and furious. Its almost impossible to keep up with this BS. But we can’t let the hysteria distract us from recognizing the truly over the top stories. Those that are so unbelievable that you almost choke with laughter as you read them. So let’s give credit where credit is due. Here are my nominees for the most absurd Rob & Kristen Breakup Stories of the Last Forty-Eight Hours.
Story #1. Robert Pattinson Moves Out After Kristen’s Texts to Ex-Fling
Wednesday, 22nd May 2013 By GORDON SMART, Showbiz Editor, The Sun.
Talk about irony. This article from the British tabloid The Sun was penned by someone named Smart. Probably Maxwell Smart rather than Gordon. But I digress. Quoting an unnamed source in his brilliant piece of journalistic excellence Smart writes:
“Rob was looking at her phone on the morning of his birthday as he wanted to take a picture of something when she was in the shower.”
Yeah right, Rob doesn’t have a phone with a camera. Even though he seems to have that iphone in his hand almost continuously. Or was Rob was taking a picture of Kristen in the shower with her own phone? LOL.
“Suddenly this message flashes up and it’s not what he wanted to see. He got straight up and left. Despite Kristen’s pleas, he told her not to come to his birthday party at a friend’s that night. He’s extremely angry and upset. No matter how many times she calls or texts, friends say he’s had enough. After everything that happened and the hurt she caused, he’s furious she’d be back in touch with him, even if she is saying it’s completely innocent,” a source tells The Sun.
Yeah right. What unnamed friends are those Mr. Smart? I’m sure he told them all about so that they could call you “straight up.” Rob picks up the phone and Rupert just happens to text at that very moment? How coincidental, how convenient for you! And wham, that puts the kabash on the big birthday bash. Thank you Mr. Smart for explaining everything to us! I bet your source is Agent 99.
Story #2. Kristen Stewart Races To Taylor Swift After Robert Pattinson Break Up
Tue, May 21, 2013 5:50pm EDT by Chloe Melas
Chloe Melas writes that “Kristen has found an unlikely friend in T-Swift. Perhaps they’re going to write a song about Rob together?”. Unlikely Chloe? Races to her? The same woman who once told Ellen DeGeneres on national TV that “I think it’s just obnoxious if I complain about anything…,I hear people talk about like, ‘oh, the intrusions on my privacy.’ It’s like there are a million other jobs you could have had. And for me, I’ve just come to an acceptance of the fact, this is my life. If somebody wants to hide a relationship or has privacy issues then we don’t have the same viewpoint. For me, it’s just like live your life. If people happen to take picture then you know, you laugh about it in the car afterwards.”
Forgot about that one from 2011 Chloe?. Even though you wrote about it at the time? Really sounds like the kind of person Kristen is going “race” to see. And what’s with the racing. I can just see Kristen racing across Hollywood just to see Taylor Swift. But why race, according to you they spent the whole afternoon together?
Chloe continues: “Kristen Stewart isn’t sitting at home anymore! In fact, she was spotted driving over to Taylor Swift‘s house on May 21 with a friend of hers. What on earth could they be up to? Taylor is the queen of break ups and if anyone has advice, it’s her.”
Yeah right. Relationship advice from a woman who goes through boyfriends more often than most women change their panties? Please Chloe, you can fabricate shit better than that.
And then there is Chloe’s eventual reference to Taylor Lautner “maybe” being the one to suggest this to Kristen, in that they all “run in the same circles. What circles are those Chloe? The circles your mind runs in when you are trying to come up with a coherent thought? But, that is the way to get those webhits Chloe, all the fans: Kristen’s, Lautner’s,and Swift’s.
Chloe continues: “This is far better than Kristen sitting at home crying. It would be pretty good for Kristen to start hanging out with Taylor and Selena Gomez. All of these young women know a thing about break ups and how to get revenge on their men.” But wait, Chloe, why is Kristen looking for revenge on Rob? Shouldn’t it be the other way around? Isn’t he the wronged party in your fantasy story? What’s the matter, are you are lost in your own fabrication?. Perhaps? Maybe?
Story #3. Kristen Stewart & Robert Pattinson: How Rupert Sanders Caused Breakup
Thursday, May 23, 2013, 11:25am EDT, by Eleanore Hutch of Hollywood Life (Lies)
In an “exclusive story” Hutch of Hollywoood Lies finds out exactly what Rob found on Kristen’s phone when she was in the shower on the morning of his birthday. That she had texted Rupert and told him that she wanted to work with him on the Snow White & The Huntsman sequel! Hmm, the editors over at Hollywood Lies and The Sun seem to have an unhealthy facination with the idea of Kristen in the shower!
Quoting from Hutch’s account:
“Our source said:
“Kristen wants Rupert Sanders to direct the second Snow White movie and Rob was flabbergasted that she would even want to work with him in any capacity after all that was done, adding that the texts he found just blew his mind that she would test him like that. She kept testing him over and over till he couldn’t handle it anymore.”
Yeah right. We are only fabbergasted that you expect anyone to believe this horse dung, especially from an unnamed, unidentified source talking to one of Britain’s most notorious lying tabloids. Good luck with that.
“It seems shocking that she would want to work with him again, let alone even be in contact with him. And Rob may have left her and taken all his belongings — including their dogs — but the source believes they could still work things out.”
Shocking Eleanor? No, PATENTLY UNBELIEVABLE! Kristen takes a shower and leaves her cellphone around for Rob to view it while she’s been texting Rupert? Rob just happens to find it because he wants to “take a picture of something?” Yeah right. Like I said probably of Kristen in the shower. And Kristen wants Rupert back to direct SWATH2 after all the trouble he so-calledly caused? And yet the “source” believes they can still work it all out?
Please Eleanor, don’t insult your readers. We know you made this BS up yourself. That’s why you always hide behind an unnamed, unidentified source and why your information is unconfirmable.
So dear readers, cast your vote, name the winner. Who wrote the most absurd Rob and Kristen breakup story of the last forty-eight hours.
But if you don’t like these, have no fear. I am certain that more are coming! Bonnie Fuller is already writing about how Kristen needs to choose between Rob and Rupert!
***PLEASE NOTE*** TWILIGHTER IS OUT OF TOWN FOR THE MEMORIAL DAY HOLIDAY–HE WILL RESPOND TO COMMENTS UPON RETURN****