The Grand Punk- Part 1
Sometimes when things seem too unbelievable to be true, they are just that: not worthy of belief.
I think this whole was dreamed up and brilliantly executed by Rob, Kristen, and Rupert and that the celebrity gossip machine is about to get punked big time. It’s a big payback for all the crap they have had to put up with for years. And I think there is also something even more significant behind it.
Why is this Kristen/Rubert thing so unbelievable? Here’s why:
First consider the context of Rob & Kristen’s relationship. By the close of 2011, it’s pretty clear to most reasonable minds that Rob & Kristen have been in a long standing romantic relationship. (I’ll examine the countervailing theory that they had a faux romance that this hookup was designed to break up later.) They have a long history of being secretive and protective about that relationship but also have a history of dropping clues to it along the way. If anything is irrefutably true, it is that both Rob & Kristen share an intense hatred of the paparazzi and the Hollywood gossip machine that have made their life miserable for more than four years and that have both become masters at evading the paparazzi.
Second, prior to the alleged hookup, their relationship never looked stronger including the ever increasing public outings together ever since “my boyfriend is English” last fall to their ever increasing public outings together, their mutual triumph at Cannes, their rather open pda’s at the close of the Cosmopolis screening, their pda’s on the terrace at the On the Road afterparty, and their statements about each other in public.
Then, even closer to the alleged hookup, comes a variety of couple- like public encounters in and around LA and elsewhere, there attendance at a NJ wedding, followed by pretty strong evidence that they were living together at the Los Feliz estate. Not to mention lots of chemistry at Comic Con on July 12. By then we are just 5 days from the alleged Kristen/Rupert hookup on July 17th.
Third, then consider some of the peculiarities that came out of their mouths from the spring into this summer. In an Elle interview Kristen says “You can learn so much from bad things. I feel boring. I feel like, why is everything so easy for me? I can’t wait for something CRAZY TO FUCKING HAPPEN TO ME. Just life. I want someone to fuck me over! Do you know what I mean?” Rob on a panel at ComicCon on July 12, just five days before the alleged hookup, asks Stephanie Meyer about her vision for a further Breaking Dawn sequel saying “If there was another one, what would you write about? What do you think about Edward and Bella getting DIVORCED? And it becomes like a Mr. and Mrs. Smith situation?” Meanwhile, Kristen is also separately talking up her newest project Cali, where she plays a character Mya, that FAKES her own death in a faux snuff film and then skips out of LA with the cash and her boyfriend. And Rob is coy about a SCRIPT HE IS WORKING ON WITH KRISTEN. And finally there is the recent Blackbook Magazine interview where Rob purportedly says “There was a magazine, with these pictures, saying I was getting married. No one ever knows what is true or what isn’t. Even my own mum called to ask me if it was true. It’s not. AT LEAST NOT YET.” I didn’t make any of this up, evidence of all of this is readily available over the internet out of their own mouths with the exception of the last which is ascribed to Rob.
Fourth, consider the immediate context of the period around the time that the alleged hookup occurs. Kristen is perhaps one of the most recognizable people on the planet, particularly in LA. And her mini Cooper is nearly just as identifiable. There are multitudes of pictures available on the internet of her driving that car. Paparazzi were virtually camped out at Los Feliz trying to track their every movement as rumors of cohabitation and an imminent marriage proposal were raging across the celebrity gossip machine. On multiple occasions around the critical period surrounding the alleged hookup on July 17th , Kristen appears at ComicCon with Rob (12th), is photographed arriving at Gold’s Gym (18th), leaving Gold’s gym (18th ), around town (19th) going out with Rob to Café Hotel (19 th) to see their friend Bobby Long perform, golfing with her dad in Malibu (20th), leaving Gold’s Gym (21th), and attending the TCA’s (22th). That evening July 22nd, is the LAST DOCUMENTED SIGHTING of either her or Rob. Interestingly, despite the hookup claim and the story surrounding it, no pictures of her going to or leaving the gym on the 17th have ever appeared.
Fifth, look at what purportedly happened on the day of the hookup. This is the version of FameFlyNet, the paparazzi agency that purportedly sold the photographs to US Magazine and was the basis of US’s story about the hookup. Their version of events is described by US Magazine, People Magazine and in an interview they did with the LA Times. They claim a sole paparazzi is in the process of routinely following Kristen on July 17th as she returns from a routine day at the gym. She almost makes it back to Los Feliz when she takes a call, turns around, and eventually drives to a seedy, westside abandoned warehouse area and parks. The paparazzi does likewise and just waits and watches for fifteen minutes, curious as to why she is there.
Without any other details provided, they claim that Rupert somehow arrives and ends up in Kristen’s car and they engage in a heated marathon makeout session where Rupert is “kissing her all over her body.” They claim that as the paparazzi is watching this, he doesn’t recognize who Rupert is, but calls the agency requesting or getting backup. It should be noted here that among the photographs that the agency purportedly sells to US Magazine, several appear to relate to this part of the incident, what I will call the Car MAKEOUT SESSION. It should also be noted that the car makeout session photos all appear to be from a single location: note that all of them show the reflection of a building that is located to the left of the left driver side door of Kristen’s car. The reflection is in that door. More on the significance of this reflection later in Part 2.
The FlameFlyNet version of the story continues with Kristen and Rupert eventually leaving this initial area and spending the rest of the afternoon looking for more places to makeout. They also imply that such activity does occur at multiple other undisclosed places. Somewhere in the course of this they also claim that at least three other photographers join the chase. Other than car makeout photos previously referenced, there is no other photographic or video evidence of this happening at these later locations and FameFlyNet neither identifies the original paparazzi, or offers him up for an interview, or identifies where these locations are.
Eventually FameFlyNet claims that Kristen and Rupert end up in broad daylight in a relatively public place that is an overlook near or on the Pacific View Trail overlooking downtown LA, what I will call The Overlook Makeout Session. That area is in fact a well known, well traveled area and a prime spot for viewing downtown LA, the Hollywood sign, and is remarkably close to both Los Feliz and where I believe Rupert lives, although they do not identify its exact location.
FameFlyNet claims that Rupert actually directs Kristen where to park (it is unknown how they see this) and eventually he and Kristen are involved in further passionate activities that are periodically interrupted by people walking through the area. When this occurs it is claimed that Kristen and Rupert separate and cease the behavior only to continue it later. They eventually leave and Kristen drops Rupert in the area of his house. It should be noted here that US Magazine releases a number of photos from this part of the encounter. Eventually 49 additional photos of these two parts of the encounter appear on the internet. No videotape evidence of this part or any other part of the incident has been provided to date, nor is any claimed.
FameFlynet claims that they exclusively shopped the photographs to US Magazine because they had “a big budget and would pay a premium amount” for the shots. They and US Magazine failed to disclose how much was paid for the photos. As late as 8/1, PopSugar also disclosed the photos on their website with a few additional ones of Rupert walking alone at an undisclosed location, presumably towards his house after Kristen drops him off .
Sixth, first news of the “scandal” broke on the evening of July 24th. On July 25th US Magazine released information about the hookup along with a limited number of photos. Almost immediately, both Kristen and Rupert purportedly, via “public statements” admitted the indiscretion and apologized to their significant others. US Magazine released more pictures and their article subsequently and from there on, everything has blown up on the internet and we are where we find ourselves today.
If it looks like duck, and walks like a fish, and quacks like a pig, then it probably is just that: a bunch of nonsense unworthy of belief.
The reason no one has critically examined Fame Fly Net’s version of events or the pictures they released, is because of the immediate, seemingly unequivocal admission to the hookup attributed to both of the involved parties and the subsequent rush to judgment that nearly everyone has engaged in. In Part 2 of the Grand Punk, we will critically examine that version of events and the photographs. More later.