Predicting Tabloid Garbage: Assessing Five Rob & Kristen Stories Waiting to Happen

by twilighter

Back on January 18, I pulled out my crystal ball and made few predictions for what BS stories we would inevitably hear from the celebrity gossip machine about Rob & Kristen between then and her birthday.  Given that it was Kristen’s birthday yesterday, it’s time to look back at the cow dung and see how I did.  Suffice to say, the celebrity gossip machine ran true to form.  They are always so predictable.

Back in January, I couldn’t  say with clarity what particular gossip rag (Hollywood Life, In Touch Magazine, Us Magazine, People Magazine, The Enquirer, Gossip Cop, The Mirror, etc, etc, etc) would break the fabricated offending stories, but that we could be sure of three things: 1). whomever did break one, it would be with unnamed, unidentified sources, 2.) the rest of the celebrity gossip machine would invariably re-report the story no matter how ridiculous, unsubstantiated, and obnoxious it was, and 3). there would millions of sheep out there in the blogsphere that would immediately believe it and go bah bah bah with the rest of the flock. And I gave you a big clue: Robert Pattinson’s trip to Australia to film Rover. Because every time Rob and Kristen are apart, some tabloid is going to take advantage of that fact to generate some BS.

So what stories did I predict would occur before Kristen’s birthday?

Story #1: It will be some version of how Kristen and Rubert Sanders have hooked up in Rob’s absence and how Kristen is continuing her cheating ways.  Perhaps in a car, maybe at a “romantic” overlook, or perhaps at her house.  The story will undoubtedly include old pictures of Rupert and Kristen, but will unlikely include new ones, as they would certainly be much more scrutinized this time than the last time.  And in spite of the lack of evidence to support the story, it will unleash a fresh wave of Kristen bashing and hatred in the blogsphere. And note, this fairytale is already actually in progress.

Did this BS story happen?  Sure did, multiple times. As I noted in January when I made these predictions, there were already unsubstantiated twitter claims at the time that Rupert and Kristen were seen together in Los Feliz.  And remember, virulent twitter chatter is a common source for tabloids to both start to fabricate and mine their BS story ideas.  As we have seen, anyone can go onto twitter and start some crap.

But Heat Magazine really got the bull rolling on this one on February 7th, by claiming that Kristen reached out to Rupert after Liberty Ross filed for divorce and Rob ended their relationship the previous month.  Via an unnamed, unidentified source.

“Kristen was feeling low – the lowest she’s ever felt – when Rob flew to Australia. She doesn’t have a huge circle of friends. Rob was the closest person to her. So, when he left, she reached out to Rupert to see if he was OK and suggested meeting for a coffee,” an insider purportedly told Heat Magazine.

“It seemed like Kristen was just blindly trying to do something to ease her pain. When Rob found out she’d contacted Rupert through a mutual friend, he was upset that Kristen would even go there. He wasn’t jealous, he was just incredulous. It seems like Kristen has no chance with him now.”

Heat continued, “Sanders was also said to be shocked by K-Stew’s actions, and decided not to meet up with her. It’s not thought that the 22-year-old was looking to reignite her romance with the 42-year-old film director, but was simply looking for someone to discuss her ongoing problems with.”

“Kristen feels helpless without Rob. The fact he has upped and left her has devastated her. She had thought she might be able to go to Australia for visits and keep their relationship going, but Rob found it difficult to trust her again and knew long distance would be too difficult.”

“Things had become irreparable. Kristen knew things were over between Rupert and Liberty too and it seemed like she just wanted to talk to someone who was going through the same thing as her,” the source added.

Yeah right, insert a cyber eye roll here. The funniest thing about this whole story was that even some of the other online tabloids had trouble keeping a straight face while regurgitating this story. For example see:  http://on.aol.com/video/kristen-stewart–lonely-enough-to-reach-out-to-rupert-sanders–517666770 .

In Touch Magazine joined the fray shortly thereafter in a February 9 web account when they provocatively posed the question whether Robert’s departure could be a “recipe for disaster”. But they didn’t seem to be on the same page with Heat Magazine.  Citing an unnamed Rupert pal as a source, this unnamed pal claimed that “It wouldn’t surprise me at all if Kristen and Rupert got back in touch, and it would be Rupert who reached out. He was infatuated with her.”

By February 9, Hollywood Life also was in the game, relying on their own unnamed “source close to Kristen”. Their source claimed that Kristen had not contacted Rupert at all as far as they knew since Kristen had “made a commitment to Rob that Rupert would no longer be a part of her life”.

As usual all the rest of the celebrity gossip machine jumped in, complete with re-reportings of all the nonsense, and Gossip Cop debunkings, all resulting in a continuous debate about whether she had or had not contacted him, or he had or had not tried to contact her, and whether they had actually met or not. And in spite of a complete lack of credible evidence for any of it, the stories fueled the typical Kristen bashing across the blogsphere. All you have to do is examine the comment threads to any of these ridiculous stories to see what I mean.

But have no fear, by February 28, Radaronline was reporting in a web article that Rupert had actually attempted to reach out but Kristen “doesn’t want anything to do with him,” again via, you guessed it, an unnamed unidentified source. This source claimed Rupert “texted her a number of times, however Kristen didn’t respond.” Continuing, the source claimed that “In truth, she regrets ever getting involved with Rupert, because of how much it hurt Robert and the amount of public backlash she was subjected to. Kristen doesn’t really know what’s going on with her and Robert at the moment, and she’s been left in limbo. Ideally, she would like things to go back to how they once were, but that’s proving a lot more difficult than she imagined. But when it comes to Rupert, that ship has sailed,” the source revealed.

Awe, how cute.  Complete with a Twilight literary reference. Insert another cyber eye roll here.

Story #2.  It will some version of Rob is out (probably at some wateringhole) with another mystery woman (probably a blond)(probably has big tits) and with whom he is having a (probably a romantic) wonderful evening.  There may or may not be equivocal photos to go along with the story. And again despite the lack of evidence to support it, it will unleash a fresh wave of Kristen bashing and hatred and assertions that she deserves it and how great it is that Rob has moved on to a new love.

Oh this one was just too easy to predict and of course the celebrity gossip machine delivered BS in spades.  Starting within five days of my prediction.

Rob had barely landed in Australia before the “blond bimbo” rumors started.  He was pictured with some Aussie girls at the airport on January 17^th in a Hollywood Life account that was released on January 23^rd.  The five girls pictured with him included three blondes, a two brunettes and a red head. But despite the fanfare, this was clearly just a fan pic.

The next one started with a January 27^th Hollywood Life story headline claiming that Rob was Hanging with a Sexy Blond At A Music Festival in Adelaide, Australia. Included was a fan pic of Rob and a young woman the caption identified as a “mystery blond.”  Despite the fact that the accompanying article identified the “mystery” woman as Alexandra Warner (no mystery there) and that she along with a couple other people had some fan pictures taken with Rob at the concert. This story took a later odd turn when Ms. Warner tweeted that Rob was stoned. In reality, they were no more hanging together than were Rob and all the rest of the people at the music festival.  But why let the facts get in the way of a sleezy headline?  Then again, I am surprised it didn’t read Rob Hangs with Dozens of Sexy Blonds at a Music Festival.

But like someone suffering from bulimia, Hollywood Life couldn’t stop itself.  In a February 5^th account, Robert Pattinson Hangs Out With Cute Blonde Fans in Australia, Rob was once again “hanging out”  with “cute’ (translation:buxom) blonde fans, complete with an accompanying photo. If “hanging out” that is means taking a picture, signing a dvd, an iphone cover, and “one of the girl’s arms” for a few minutes while he tried to have a smoke.

But don’t get the idea that Hollywood Life was alone. Oh no!  Maurice Cassidy of that venerable journalistic paragon, Celebrity Dirty Stinking Laundry whatever.com (yes we have featured them before in other articles on this blog) took the same story and led it with the following line: “Robert Pattinson has no plans on keeping it in his pants anytime soon, because this time he’s been spotted with TWO new girls who both happen to be blonds (again) and give us that facial expression of ‘ooh, that was good’—it doesn’t take a smart guy to figure out why the two hot blonds…have such big grins on their faces.”

Well rest assured, Cassidy is in fact dumb as a post but he somehow managed that leap of deductive brilliance.

And don’t get the idea that these two tabloid giants were alone in this story.  Of course the rest of the celebrity gossip machine jumped in including regurgitated reports, Gossip Cop debunkings, all resulting in a continuous debate about whether Rob was or was not actually doing these women, was or was not stoned and/or drunk, and did or did not ban Kristen from visiting him there in Australia.

Yep, you guessed it.  Time for another cyber eye roll.  It seems bulimia is a epidemic problem with the tabloid press.

Story #3  This will be some version of how Kristen has stepped out on Rob with someone other than Rupert Sanders.  That person will be male (probably over ten, or between 40 and 70 since she has a known penchant for older men [editor’s note: please note the heavy sarcasm here]) probably an actor or other celebrity (possibly Taylor Lautner, James Franko, or other some other Hollywood hunk) and who may likely be involved with one of Kristen’s projects in some way, shape, or form.  Again, despite the lack of supporting evidence, the blogsphere will once again erupt in “once a cheater, always a cheater chanting”, Kristen bashing and hatred, and  generalized chest thumping. Pay particular attention to whomever is cast as Kristen’s love interest in In Focus.

Oh, I really nailed this one including naming one of the principles. There are so many versions of this story that it is almost ridiculous. Everything from veiled articles about Kristen hanging out with Taylor Lautner, to having “hot chemistry with Jim Sturgiss, to flirting with Patrick Swarzenager, to hanging with Rob’s BFF Marcus Foster, to jumping in a mystery man’s arms. Almost to much bull to keep track of.

But even I lacked the imagination of the celebrity gossip machine by missing the Kristen is gay angle of stories that were based on Kristen being sprawled across Katy Perry and Selena Gomez’s laps at the Kid’s Choice Awards, being ever in company of her best friend Scott Taylor Compton, and  being newly chummy with Katy Perry’s assistant,Tamra Natisin.

Without burying you in too many deets, here are the essentials on these stories.  Hollywood Life claimed in a February 14^th account that an unnamed, unidentified source “close to Jim Sturgiss” told them exclusively that when Sturgiss came to town for pre-production meetings for The Big Shoe, Jim and Kristen seemed to have “major chemistry, they really seemed to click”. But the source noted that “Jim has a girlfriend and Kristen is back with Rob so it’s totally professional between them right now,” the source added.

Interestingly when Wetpaint.com picked up and regurgitated Hollywood Life’s story that same day, the ending of that quote mutated considerably. “Jim has a girlfriend and Kristen is back with Rob, so it’s totally professional between them right now, but that could change.  The movie is going to be very sexy and Jim is exactly Kristen’s type so who knows, anything could happen.”

Hmm.  A perceptive reader may be asking themselves at this point how an exclusive source to one gossip rag could end such a quote in two highly divergent ways.  Yep, insert the cyber eye roll once again.

It was a tabloid throw down from the beginning of Patrick Schwarzenegger story.  US Magazine, relying as usual on a unnamed, unidentified source merely reported on February 13^th that Kristen attended Taylor Lautner’s bowling alley birthday party and was “living it up” with no particular reference to Patrick other than he was also in attendance.

That same day Hollywood Life’s “exclusive source close to the situation” told them that “Kristen at no time throughout the night was interested in flirting with any guy in the place, she was just having fun with Taylor and his friends”.  But the source added that it looked like Patrick Schwarzenegger had moments throughout the night that looked like he was flirting with her on more than one occasion but that “They didn’t leave together and it seemed as if [Patrick] accepted his lost quest for Kristen.”

Star Magazine, a little late to the game reported on March 6th yet another variation and another source, claiming that “Kristen has been on the prowl” and was seen “flirting up a storm” with Schwarzenegger, “creeping on Patrick big time” at the party. Echoing Star’s report on the same day, Radaronline’s unnamed source upped the ante saying that people at the party told them “they should get a room because the energy between them was so hot.”

Yeah right, cue the eye roll.  Perceptive readers may once again be asking themselves how can so many different versions of the same event be possible? But remember, unbridled by the truth, the celebrity gossip machine is capable of fabricating just about anything it desires.

In the aftermath of the birthday party, Kristen joined Taylor for an afternoon of fun in the batting cases on March 14, but surprisingly did little to claim anything even close to a date.  I half expected to see it described as a double date given the picture below.

Kristen and Taylor on March 14

But that failed to materialize as the celebrity gossip machine seemed satisfied to characterize it as a friends day out.  The cynic in me says that they were just bank the episode for future use when they spin a more sinister version of the Taylor and Kristen relationship. Of course that didn’t stop plenty in the blogsphere and on twitter from  going there with suggestions that Tay.lor were or should become a couple.

The Kristen jumps into the arms of a “mystery man” story was screwed up from the beginning when some X17online paparazzi photos of Kristen’s night out the night before the Oscars on February 24^th went viral.  For a short time, even Hollywood Life was identifying him as Kristen’s new mystery man, before almost immediately having to backtrack when it realized the man was Rob and Kristen’s gay friend CJ Romero.  London’s Daily Mail didn’t do much better, identifying the guy as Marcus Foster, one of Rob’s BFF’s and a well known singer who used Kristen in his music video in 2011.  You would think a British gossip rag would know a home grown Brit, but again, the facts seemed to have escaped them.  Although, Marcus Foster was within the party of people that Kristen was with that night.

But another person in that entorage, Katy Perry’s assistant, Tamra Natisin, was to become a more immediate source of interest.  Kristen’s venture into lesbianism was proclaimed by that venerable paragon of journalistic excellence, The National Enquirer, in a March 12th article entitled: Is It True What They Are Saying About Kristen Stewart? [Editor’s note:  If tabloids are sayings it, it is highly unlikely to be true]. In the article, the Enquirer claimed that while Rob was away filming in Australia, Kristen found romantic comfort in Katy Perry’s assistant.

“Rob will hit the roof when he sees photos of Kristen and Tamra hanging out together,” predicted an insider. “It’s obvious to all of her friends that there’s a romance brewing between them.”

Quoting from the article: “On March 3, free-spirited Kristen, 22, raised eyebrows by lavishing attention on Tamra at Hollywood’s Hotel Cafe.” “They arrived together and spent the entire night talk­ing to each other, ignoring everyone around them,” revealed their insider. “Af­ter a few hours, they left together. Lately, Kristen and Tamra have been spending all their free time together.”

Meanwhile the Enquirer continued, 26-year-old Pattinson has reportedly banned Kristen from visiting him so he can concentrate on his film project.

But sources say she doesn’t seem to be missing him now that she’s found Tamra, who’s said to be very vocal about equality for same-sex couples and even attended a gay pride rally in the past year.”

Wow.  Yeah.  Insert eye roll again.

The Kristen is gay story probably would have really taken off after Kristen appeared at Tamra’s birthday party which was widely reported.  Only problem was Rob was there with her.

Rounding out the nonsense, late comer starMedia in a web article on March 29 didn’t even try to be subtle even though they didn’t even bother to refer to having a source: “After K-Stew and Rob failed in their intent to work things out in spite of Kristen’s indiscretion, the Twilight Saga actress decided she wanted to experience a new kind of love! Reportedly Kristen has been dating Katy Perry’s assistant Tamra Natisin, who is openly bisexual. They have been seen together several times, close to each other during parties and events.”

Yeah right.  My eye muscles are getting tired. But the tabloid press was tireless in regurgitating these stories and the blogsphere never tired of having a tirade over it.

I surprised they didn’t try to run with a Kristen/Katy Perry hookup after the following pictures from the KCA’s.

Story #4  This one will be some version of how Rob has hooked up with some female member of the cast or crew of Rover.  Or, because of the dearth of females roles in the cast, maybe they’ll just drag in an Australian actress (like Emily de Ravin, Emily Browning, Teresa Palmer, or Mia Wasikowaka even if they all happen to be in the United States).  Despite a lack of evidence supporting the story, the blogsphere will once erupt into “Rob is free at last” jubilation, Kristen is not good enough for him bashing, and related nonsense, blah, blah, blah.

Once again, I nailed it.  Within four days! I went to print on January 18^th and by January 22^nd, Look Magazine was reporting that Rob had made arrangements to meet up with Emilie de Ravin in Australia. Man, that was fast.

Their unidentified, unnamed source purportedly told them that  “Rob and Emilie get on ridiculously well. They stayed in touch after working together, and now Rob’s moving over to her home country their texts and calls have stepped up again. They’ve arranged to meet as soon as possible,”

“Kristen knows that Rob and Em are close and that must have been difficult for her.” the insider added.  “When he mentioned that they might meet up, Kristen flipped. This tipped her over the edge and in turn seems to have made Rob realize their relationship was never going to go back to how it was.”

Yeah, right.  Cue the eye roll, the regurgitation reflex, and the endless chatter on the blogsphere.

Story #5  This one is easy.  Kristen will undoubtedly go to Australia sometime during Rob’s shoot there for Rover although evidence of her visit will be minimal but obvious.  The blogsphere will again erupt into an endless debate about whether she went there because: 1). she was once again pregnant, 2). they had once again reconciled or broke up, 3). they both wanted to go house hunting because they love it there in Australia and have an uncontrollable desire to buy houses, 4). its all for PR, 5). she was was reconnecting with her Australian roots, and/or 6.) Rob was missing her arm pits.  Despite a +10,000 mile +twenty hours flight to get there many will reject the notion that she loves him and just wanted to spend some time with him.

As it turned out, I struck out on this one.  Hey nobody’s perfect. Poor research on my part.  I didn’t realize just how horrid and nasty the middle of no-where is, hundreds of miles from Adelaide. If I had been Rob, I wouldn’t have wanted Kristen to join me either. And after all, I’m sure Kristen didn’t want to crimp Rob’s “style” with all the buxom blondes.  Yeah I’m inserting the eye roll here this time.

But even a no-story was the object of continuous tabloid and blogsphere debate.  Had they split, or would Rob return to her in LA?  Would he skip LA and go directly to London or did he plan an ocean sailing cruise without her.  Was the “trial separation” a breather or was it already over, kept quiet just to sell dvd’s.

Blah. Blah. Blah.  Well we know what happened when he got back.  But that didn’t stop the tabloids and the blogsphere from trying to obscure the truth.

In Conclusion

So there you have it. [Five] Rob & Kristen Stories Waiting to Happen. I think I did pretty well if I say so myself.  And thanks to all of you to help spot these many stories. And there are so many more we didn’t even touch on. And true to form we observed the three basic principles about such tabloid gossip stories over and over again:

1.  They are invariably based on an unnamed, unidentified source.

2. Once released, the content will be regurgitated over and over again by the rest of the celebrity gossip machine even as the story mutates, and

3. There are millions of people who will believe them and go into histrionics even if they aren’t supported by a shred of credible evidence.

By Rob’s birthday I’ll return and discuss my second stab at the crystal ball.  “Seven More BS Rob & Kristen Stories Waiting to Happen.”  You can find these predictions in the blog below.  And I am already doing pretty well on that one to.  In the meantime I need to keep monitoring the web and cataloging those stories.  And rest my eye muscles before my eyes roll right out of my head.